never come here

go here instead.

[ta]
-brian.b

if you ever really watch…

indiana jones and the temple of doom, you’ll realize how horrible a movie it is. and, consequently, why the second star wars trilogy was - as it was - a waste of time.

if you think things are bad now, prepare to be amazyed by how misogynistic, colonialist, and racist cinema could be twenty years ago.

[oh, indy!]
-brian.b

cough up green

i officially made it to sunday night without doing any schoolwork. i’m not proud of this; i was just sick this weekend and couldn’t muster the wherewithal to read.

anyway, it feels like it’s gonna be one bitch of a week.

[so, here's to that.]
-brian.b

ps: i quit smoking. i had my last cigarette nearly a month ago. it has been surprisingly easy not to smoke, even in the midst of high-pressure situations.

the echo of connection

i still watch the show we would stay up late to watch together, even in different states. melissa’s voice still reminds me of yours, and when i hear it, i miss you a hell of a lot more than i want to.

[why did you walk?]
-brian.b

[sigh]

Had a talk with my old man
Said “help me understand”
He said “turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate”

“Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
And don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we’ll never stop this train”

Once in awhile, when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
Till you cry when you’re driving away in the dark

random facts about me:

1. i have a shiny red bump on my chest that looks like the beginnings of a third nipple. it’s been there for ten years. this once time in tenth grade, though, it grew a little spire out of the middle that was black. the spire fell off on its own and the bump hasn’t done anything like that since. it’s called a papilloma, by the way, but no, i don’t have hpv.

2. i like this photo a lot.

3. my dad - the first relative (not counting nick) to visit me in florida - will be here in 14 hours. !

4. i miss miss home.

5. my roommate now has halo 3. i want so very badly to play it but… grad school… maturity… girls? no. grad school! maturity!

6. speaking of grad school: i am at a writer’s block on a paper due in fifteen hours. it’s almost done, but… somehow it’s just not coming together near the end. man i suck at being done with this paper.

7. 70% of all stress is caused by people not being relaxed anymore.

8. i just spilled beer in my pants cuz it doesn’t know how to stay in the bottle.

[live and learn?]
-b-r—-i-a-n.b

updates on the general.

1. feast those eyes:

2. i turned in my first graduate seminar paper today. it was entitled:
3. everybody should check out the new tuesday weld. 1 2 . . .  8 parts jazz + 2 parts electronic * 1.5 parts pop = a real tuesday weld.
4. i miss home.
5. some of home is coming soon: my dad flies out on friday. psyched? yes!
6. if you’re wondering about the choppy sentences - i have half a tank of eloquence left that i need to save for my next paper. due friday.

[cries but happily!]
-brian…..b

Oh Yeah

I drank my birthday under the table and only one of us walked away.

But now that one of us has a very bad headache and funny poo.

-brian.b

Today

I am Jack Bauer.

Seventh Day

I’ve made it a week without smoking. I’ll be honest: one reason I didn’t do this sooner was fear. I was afraid that if I tried to quit, then I’d fail, and consequently prove that I was an addict. That’s a pretty stupid reason to persist in a moderately dangerous habit.

But the reason why I haven’t “quit,” so to speak, is that I actually do enjoy the atmosphere of cloves, both physical and abstract. Physically, they taste good, plain and simple. They’re very aromatic, and somehow I’ve associated them with incense. Sure, there are some risks, but there are some benefits, too.

The abstract reasons are far more pertinent. Every time I light up, I recall some good times had with friends, such as: rainy nights relaxing on porches, backyard games of gin rummy, six mile walks on winter weekends. Cloves have (historically) worked as a boundary between “us” and “the rest of them” - and that aromatic space is filled with some of the most important conversations I’ve ever been a part of.

Cloves also bring back a waves of private memories. I have probably smoked more alone than any of my other old “smoking buddies.” I’ve smoked the most on those long solitary nights, regardless of whether I’m watching a pile of wood or simply up because “I can’t stop thinking/writing about her/him/it.”

I said that every time I light up, I invoke a lot of (really good) memories, mostly with friends, sometimes individual. I think, for anyone who cares, one reason I’ve resolved to significantly reduce my smoking is simply to preserve the sanctity of that tradition. The times and places where those conversations happened are gone; they’re not dead, just absent. In the meantime, I don’t want to cheapen the memories by “invoking them” all the time.

Still, I’m considering just quitting and remembering the past in other ways. We shall see after this weekend.

[bye]
-brian.b